America Runs On
by Crazee Canadia
Summary: ...coffee. TOO much coffee, which forces him to deal with the COFFEE SWAT after he shows up at Matthew's house on a caffine craze. Rated T for the RATED T jazz. Oh, and there is Americest if you take off your sunglasses - you're inside, sheesh!


**_This author's note is paid for by Dunkin' Doughnuts (_**Not really**_), the Yaoi Association, and Readers like you, Danke! _**I am so, so, so **_**shocked**_** that **_**no one**_** has even written a crack story about this! Y'know what? I'm gonna eat the bait, **_**MEIN!**_** Flames will be burned with green fire and murdered with my brand new hockey stick equipped with a DS charger and is able to let me watch live TV.****

**DISCLAIMERS: I do not own, nor did I event, the "America Runs On Dunkin'" line. Nor do I own Hetalia – although I wish I did. I just own the story and its cracky plot. Thank you**

"Kumajiro!"

The bear blinked itself awake before lifting it's head, "Huh?"

Matthew could be heard walking up the stairs, "Kuma, this is your last chance. Get up and eat your tuna pancakes or I'll sock you."

Kumajiro sighed before rolling out of the bed, "OK."

Matthew's smile came across his face, "Thank you."

Downstairs, with Kumajiro eating, Matthew was washing the breakfast plates whenever someone began to rapidly bang at his door.

"Huh?" Matthew turned around, "Who's that at this hour?"

"I dunno." Kumajiro mumbled through his food as Matthew made his way to the door, "Someone who is lost?"

The door opened to reveal Alfred, pupils so small Matthew could see every detail of the irises, and he was shaking, "Hey Mattie~!" he sang.

"Um... Alfred?" Matthew asked, "What's wrong with you?"

Alfred shook a couple more seconds before lifting up his cup, "I have some coffee... want any?"

Matthew stepped back from how creepy Alfred sounded, "Uh..."

"**YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY**!" Alfred yelled running into the house, "This is _my_ coffee!" he fell on the couch, keeping the cup next to his face while whispering very freakishly, "My precioussss..."

"A-Alfred?" Matthew began to search for his hockey stick, "Are you OK?"

The American jumped up, "I'm fine and DANDY!" he yelled, "I could run all around the world and not be tired, woo! America Runs On Dunkin'!"

"Alfred... I think you need to quit the coffee." Matthew held the stick tightly in his hands.

"**NO! MY COFFEE! MINE MINE MINE!**" Alfred jumped off the couch, running up the stairs while screaming and declaring ownership of the caffeinated drink.

Matthew looked after him and sighed, then picked up the phone in distress.

* * *

"Francis! You git, stop it –"

The phone's ringing made both males jump, Arthur taking this chance to push Francis away and answer it, "Hello, Arthur Kirkland speaking."

"Arthur, it's Matthew Williams, your... um, old colony – I guess I could say – is in my house and he's... jacked up on coffee."

Arthur was about to ask the name again before he heard, "**IS THAT ARTHUR! HEY ARTIE I GOT COFFEE WOO I'M GONNA RUN OVER THERE IN A FEW MINUTES WOOO!**"

Arthur gaped, "Alfred?"

"I'm Matthew Williams."

"Mathieu?" Francis snatched the phone away, "Mon Dieu, are you alright?"

"I'm fine, Alfred on the other hand..."

"**HEY MATTIE, GUESS WHAT? I NEED TO PEE~!**" There was silence "**NOT ANYMORE!**"

Both of the other two men sat there a second before hanging up and rushing towards the exit while talking to each other.

"Here's the plan git, you're gonna go in there and distract him while I pull Matthew out."

"Non, non, you go in there and take that coffee away from Alfred and I'll pull Mathieu out."

The two got into Arthur's car and argued all the way to the airport, while buying the tickets, going through security, on the plane, and landing in Canada.

* * *

"**WHEE! I LOVE THIS RIDE WOOOOOOO!**" Alfred sat on the washing machine, feeling it vibrate under him as Matthew – attempted – to get some chores done.

The Canadian sighed as leaned his head against the wall, "Alfred, please."

"Please what Mattie? Do ya need me to get a hamburger huh huh huh huh Matthew ya need a hamburger do ya do ya do ya?"

"No... Stop and let the coffee go."

Alfred hissed like a cat and hugged the coffee cup to his face as he whispered freakishly "My precioussss..."

Matthew sighed in distress before hearing someone start banging against the door, "Matthew! Are you alright?"

After a minute, Matthew answered, seeing Francis and Arthur standing at the door with scared looks on their faces. "I'm fine. Just do something about Alfred, please."

"Who is it Mattie is it Arthur oh hi Arthur hi Francis hi Matthew hey look Arthur you hair is effed up me got coffee ~..."

"Um, Alfred..." Arthur began.

"Alfred, Mon Ami..." Francis also began.

Matthew and the other two watched as Alfred ran into the front yard screaming, "**I WANNA DO JUMPING JACKS ON THE ROOF!***"

"Oh dear..." Matthew grabbed his face.

"We need back up." Arthur said.

"We do." France agreed.

* * *

Phones all around the world began to ring.

"Down Under 'ere mate. What? Alfred? Crazy on coffee? You guys seriously need back up? Al'ight, we're coming. Zeals! We're gonna go deal with the seppo, let's go!"

"Hello, Peter Kirkland here! What do you want Jerk Arthur? Oh! You need my help! The Great Sealand will gladly deal with a crazy Alfred, desu yo!"

"Moshi moshi. Hmm? You need my help getting America-San calmed down? I will be over shortly."

"Ludwig. Hm? Again?"

"Ve~, Feliciano! You need me to help take care of a hyper Alfred? Do I get free pasta?"

"Antonio! Eh? Calm America down? OK!"

"Elizaveta. Oh really? Will I see that tape you have of you getting nasty with Arthur?"

"Vash. How many guns will that require?"

"Chigi! What? Oh, Romano, bastard... what? Oh hell."

"Hello, Katyusha! Help you with Alfred? Of course!" _*boing*_

"H-hello, T-Toris... you need my help with Alfred? Oh, what is it now?"

"Like, Feliks speaking! Uh, like, don't let Alfred drink anymore coffee!"

"Hello, Wang Yao speaking, aru! Oh dear..."

"Tino here... oh... uh..." he chewed on his lip "Hang on a second, hey Berwald, wake up – talk to Arthur while I go take a shower."

"Hello~, Seychelles! What? Oh, can't help you, sorry."

"Seriously?"

"Hello~! How can the awesome me help you! OK, hit him in the head with a huge book – there, the awesome me just gave you an awesome solution to an unawesome problem."

* * *

Matthew watched as Alfred sat in his bathtub, eating egg rolls while wearing a sombrero and singing about communism*, still having that stupid cup of coffee in his hand.

"Back up has arrived." Arthur said, "Get Alfred out here now."

"Please." Francis added.

Matthew took a deep breath before going in, smiling as he sing-songed, "Oh Alfred, you're so handsome."

Alfred stopped what he was doing to grin maniacally at Matthew, "Why thank you Mattie you wanna join me and sing about how stupid those damn commies are?"

"Um... no thank you, although I would like to do some thing else..." Matthew – on the inside – wanted to stand there with no bravery at all, but on the outside he was pulling down the collar to his shirt and rubbing his other hand up and down his thigh.

"Man, he's good..." Arthur started, then slapped by a jealous Francis.

Alfred watched Matthew's show and dropped his egg roll, but still held onto his coffee tightly. "Ohh..." he said, licking his lips.

Matthew – knowing they were getting somewhere – nodded and said, "You like this?" in the most seductive way he could.

Alfred took a sip of coffee before saying, "Want, give, now." He threw off the sombrero and got out of the tub drooling.

"Ah, ah, ah." Matthew held up a hand before Alfred could touch him, "Not yet."

"But Alfred want!" he stomped and shoved his arms downward, coffee still in his grip.

"Be patient." Matthew winked, "And let's get to he bed room..."

Alfred's eyes widened and his mouth was open, letting him drool as he nodded, "Yes, yes!"

"They're coming!" Arthur hissed.

Francis chortled.

"You perverted git!" Arthur slapped the Frenchman before pulling him down the hall to the other nations, where everyone was wearing COFFEE SWAT outfits and holding water guns. Except Vash, who had a stun gun.

Matthew taunted Alfred and led him down the hall, "Oh, you're such a _good boy_. We're gonna have to give you a very _special_ treat for being so good."

Alfred continued to drool as he followed his brother down the hall, "Yes, yes, I want it, I want it!" he took another sip of coffee.

Right before they got to the door, the other countries struck.

"Grab his arms and legs!" Katyusha yelled, making grabbing Alfred's left arm no problem.

"Hold his torso to!" Toris yelled, grabbing his other arm with Feliks.

"Make sure you get the coffee away from his hands!"

Alfred's limbs where held by all the other nations as Berwald managed to pry the coffee away. The American howled and squalled, twisting and turning with force.

"Tame him with water guns!" Elizaveta yelled.

Water was then shot into Alfred face as he yelled against it and screamed, "**NOOO! THEY BE ARE TAKING MAI COFFIES AWAY MY COFFIES NOOOOO!**"

"Serves you right!" Arthur yelled, "Bring in the water!"

"**NO!**" Alfred yelled, trying to keep his mouth closed while Tino and Vash held it open with their gloved hands. Peter walked over with a cup of water; Toris grabbed Alfred's head and held it still – with the help of Ludwig – as the younger boy poured the water into Alfred's mouth. He had no choice but to swallow it.

"Now." Arthur said, "Next step."

Yao and Kiku stepped forward with rice, managing to smash it up into white mush before making Alfred swallow that as well.

"Next." Francis held his arm out to Australia and New Zealand, who grinned and came forward with shot glasses full of beer. They dumped them into the American's mouth and backed away.

"And finally." Francis grinned.

Feliciano and Lovino stepped forward with small bottles of wine, forcing the caffeine-addict to swallow that as well.

"We're done, move out!" Arthur yelled, and everyone ran down the stairs congratulating each other on their success.

Alfred sat up from where he was thrown down and looked at his hands, "My coffee..." he sobbed, "...my coffee..."

"It's alright Alfred." Matthew kneeled down and rested a hand on his brother's shoulder.

"No its not! America Runs On Dunkin'!" Alfred wailed, falling flat onto the floor.

"I'm surprised you're not drunk with how much alcohol they made you drink." Matthew commented.

Alfred sat up, devious grin on his face, "But there's something they didn't think about taking from me."

"What?"

"They may have taken my coffee, but that show you put on..." Alfred winked, "...I'm still damn horny."

"Oh crap." Matthew said before Alfred attacked him.

* * *

"Say, Francis." Arthur said, looking back at the other members in the COFFEE SWAT truck to look at the Frenchman, "Do you feel we forgot something?"

"I think that we forgot to make sure Alfred didn't do anything to Matthew because of what we made Matthew do." Antonio called.

Francis and Arthur looked at each other with wide eyes before making the truck swerve in a U-turn. "**MATTHEW WE'RE COMING!**"

"He could be 'coming' right now." Francis giggled before every one in the truck hit him upside the head.

* * *

****I could not resist. If you constantly read my stories, you knew this was coming, you just knew. Including the "playtime" references thrown in there. Hope it was cracky enough for you!****

_Matthew and the other two watched as Alfred ran into the front yard screaming, "__**I WANNA DO JUMPING JACKS ON THE ROOF!***__"_

**This is an inside joke between me and EMM, my buddy, and my sister. Everytime someone either asks what we are gonna do or where something went I say "We're gonna do/it's doing jumping jacks on the roof, at night/in the rain/in its/our underwear."**

_Matthew watched as Alfred sat in his bathtub, eating egg rolls while wearing a sombrero and singing about communism*_

**This is another inside joke for a script we were writing for a video we never made, it was originally a Chinese man sitting in a bathtub wearing a sombrero eating egg rolls screaming "MEE!" After the question of "What the crap is communism?" was asked. It was NAP's idea (Those are seriously her initials. Another one of my friend's initials is ATM) Although I changed it to a Russian person.****


End file.
